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Today  I watched a story on the Today show about an amazing young man. His name is Zack. As a  senior in high school he befriended a boy named Gram, who has Autism.  He noticed that Gram has been sitting alone at lunch every day, and decided to change that. This one simple act changed Grams life, he was no longer alone, he now has a friends.

A friend, what we all hope and wish for. It seems so simple, so everyday to most of us, but for children like my little Collin, it make a world of difference. A friend. That is my hope for Collin. Someday he will have a friend to sit with at lunch.

Thank you Zack for renewing my hope in people, for sitting with Gram and by doing so, in a way, sitting wiht my Collin.

(I don’t now how to add links but you can find the story at www.KLGandHoda.com)

Friday moring right as the bus arrived he had an accident which required a bath. I let them know I would drive Collin to school and sent them on their way.

We got the accident all cleaned up and were on our way to school. He was excited and happy to be going, until he realized he wouldn’t be on the bus.  He started to cry, then scream, then hit his legs and cry louder. This continued all the way to school. I figured he would be OK when he saw the school. Wrong. The volume just increased.

He cried until his bus pulled up. When he saw his bus he climbed out of the van, went to the bus climbed on and sat in his seat. Now that his world was made right he was fine. When it was time to go in to class he got off  the bus happy as could be and had a wonderful day.

Heaven help us if we ever miss the bus again!

On days like today I want to find something to blame my problems on and Autism is the number one thing. If Collin didn’t have Autism this wouldn’t happen, or that wouldn’t happen and my life would be easy.

After an hour 0r so of doing that I realize how dumb I’m being and the guilt sets in.  Which caused a new problem because now I’m mad at the world and feeling guilty about it too. At which point I breakdown and realize how go0d I really have it.

Yes Collin has Autism, but he’s alive. He can walk and give hugs. He’s able to breath on his own, isn’t in a hospital, and could have so much wrong with him that he doesn’t.

A friend pointed this out to me tonight. She was telling me about a little girl she met on Saturday that had a syndrome which caused her organs to develop abnormally. She couldn’t walk, talk, breath on her own, hold her head up, ect.  She said every sense then she has been so grateful for her children. Sure they drive her crazy at times, but they’ re healthy and happy kids.

My kids can drive me crazy, but they are my kids and I love them. When I look back on life I want to be able to say that even 0n sick days Autism didn’t win. Collin did.

Let’s start with November 3, 2009. My little boy turned 3! He is getting so big. All day on the 3rd I reflected about the day he was born and all the joy I had in my life. I had a new little boy right from Heaven, and most days I’m sure he is just as close now as he was then. He has changed my life in more ways that I can count, and I’m so go grateful to be his mother.

That same day he stared school! I never understood why moms has such a hard time sending kids to school, until now. It’s such a strange feeling putting him on a bus and trusting that those I send him to will take care of him as I would. But I’m getting ahead of myself, lets start  about 2 weeks ago.

 Oct 23rd I had a meeting with that school district. The meeting is called an IEP, I can’t remember what that stands for, but it’s a meeting to determine placement in the special education program for the district. I went into this meeting knowing that Collin would to be going to school 4 days a week. I knew this because his awesome therapist Mel had done all the leg work for me and made sure he got into the Autism Unit. So I walked in feeling good. 4 days a week for a few hours. I was ready….or so I thought.

As the meeting progressed I found out that Collin did in fact get into the Autism Unit, but school wasn’t 4 days a week, it was 5. And it wasn’t for a few hours, it was for 25 a week. He goes M,T,Th.F 9-2:30 W 9-12. He also rides that bus and is picked up at 7:45 and dropped off at 3. So he is gone all day. ALL DAY!  I’ve been away form him all day before, but he was with Grandma, who knows and loves him. Not at school having to work and….I dont’ know, just not like this.  I walked out of that meeting in shock, and as I drove away the tears started. How would Collin do with that much school, what would I do without him, would Brady be OK with out his friend to play with. Hundreds of questions, no answers.

So on the 3rd at 7:45 Ryan and I put Collin on a bus and watched him ride away. I didn’t cry then. I just went to work keeping myself  busy all day, and looking at the clock every 5 minutes wondering if it was time for him to come home yet. 3 o’clock rolled around and that bus came back, with a  very tired little boy. He and I made it through the first day. His teacher sent home a note saying he did well, and the bus driver said he was so good for them too.

Now I cried. I cried because we made it thought the first day. It’s always hard  doing something new and trusting someone else, but we made it, and now I could breath.

Today is day 3 of school and Collin ran to get on the bus. He was so excited. He is an amazing little boy who is going to do wonderful things in this world, he just has to be given the chance to make it though the first day.

Our day started out well enough, until we went to the store.  When the weather is warm we would always go to the park, then the store. But today was at 45 degrees, to0 cold for a park trip, according to mom. Collin didn’t agree and was very vocal about it. We got to  good old Walmart and he started screaming, he did calm down, until I told him he had to hold my hand and not run though the store. Enter melt down number 2, and just keep adding.

It didn’t matter what we did today Collin cried over it. Lunch, nap, watching TV, reading books. And more often then not every time he would cry Brady would cry too, most of the time for not other reason then Collin crying.

By 6:00 when it was time to go to work I was so grateful that Ryan was taking over and I got to leave.  Truthfully these days are few and far between, but when they come they  make up for the off days.

Here’s to hoping tomorrow is better.

“If you’ve met one child with Autism, you’ve met one child with Autism.”

This past week Collin had been doing testing for the school district t0 determine his placement in preschool. I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard people say “He’s just not like other Autistic kids.”  And he’s not. Most kids respond to things differently then he does. He is his own little man. He  is stubborn, and loving and not like other kids.

But I don’t know what that means. Is it bad that he’s not a typical Autistic kid? What will that mean for him in school? Will he have to try harder, will his teacher and family have to learn new ways to reach him that don’t work with other children? I don’t know. All I know is that his is “One child with Autism” and this child is mine.

 I don’t know how to reach him and it’s driving me crazy.  It doesn’t help when his teachers don’t know how to reach him either.    I’ve been told this week that he is a mystery. Isn’t that true with all kids?

Sorry for the venting but I’m really at a loss right now. I want to help Collin, but I need people, who know Autism better then I do, to help me help him and they are at a loss on what to do as well. Which leaves all of us standing around looking at Collin waiting for him to tell us what to do next. Today I just want to scream! But really what good would that do? Not much.

So tonight I sit and wonder. What will I do that will reach Collin? What will help him? What haven’t I tried?  And what will I do to motivate my self to keep trying when he doesn’t respond.

He is “One Child”. He is my Child. I have been given him for a reason. I’m just not sure what that reason is yet.

The difference in Collin and Brady is like night and day. Brady is developing in a much different way then Collin ever did. When Collin was little I always thought I was so lucky to have such a sweet quite child. I never knew that there was anything “wrong”. He was my first Child and I just thought he was developing fine. I  now realize from watching Brady how much I missed with Collin.

Every little thing Brady does with bitter-sweet. I am so excited that he loves to play with cars, climb on things, play with friends and smile. He calls me Mom and Ryan Dad and we love it so much, but it pulls on our hearts ever time he does, because as Ryan said one day, “the little brother isn’t supposed to do things first”.  But that is how our family works. Brady is teaching Collin and Collin teaches Brady and they both teach us. We are a family and we are here for each other “Always, Forever, and No Matter What.”

I hope the best for you little Brady, no matter what that may be. Autism you stay away, don’t take the light form my Brady’s eyes.

Playgroup is Tuesday and Thursday form 9-10:15. During that time he gets to play with toys and interact with the other kids, do circle time where he is asked to sit and fallow directions during games, do an art project, have a snack and read a book. Busy day for a 2 year old.  He really enjoys the playing and eating part of Playgroup, but circle time is not his thing.

He doesn’t like sitting and being told what to do.  Most days he will cry, and try to run away. Or try and play with toys that have been put away, and cover his ears when he is asked to return to his seat.  But not today! Today he wanted to play. Sure he wasn’t the first kid to run over to the circle, and he still had his moments, but he wanted to play. He took turns and did the games, read the book and even played ring-around-the-Rosy!

I was so excited, it was like after a year of going over and over it clicked today. He figured it out! Will he do as well on Thursday as he did today? Who knows. But today he did good and that made me so happy.

Collin has been awesome all day. We played at Grandma and Grandpa’s, he was happy with everyone, it was a good day. Then we came home and he was so tired! He’s like anyone when he gets tired, all he can think about it getting to sleep, so he cries and cries until you put him in bed. Normally there wouldn’t have been a problem, but he needed to go to the bathroom so I wouldn’t let him go to bed until he pooped.

He is still having a hard time with potty training. He will go to the potty when you tell him to, sit, and then nothing. He will not pee or poop in the potty. But we’re plugging alone and he is doing well. I just know one of these days he will get it. Tonight when we got home he was standing in the living room and started his little poop grunt. So I pick him up and ran him to the potty. He was in the middle of pooping and stopped. He would not go! I was determined that he wasn’t getting down until he did, because I didn’t want him to go in his pullup and then play in it, which is what happens when he poops at night in his room. But he wouldn’t go and started crying to get down. Fine! I’ll put a Pullup on him and watch him until he goes then he can go to bed.

Enter melt down. He wouldn’t go and I wouldn’t let him go to bed until he did. So he’s screaming because he is so tired and I lost it and started yelling at him to just poop and you can go to bed. In steps Ryan with just a look. He can just look at me and let me know I’ve gone too far, and be so right about it. Here I am screaming at a little 2 yeat old who just wants to sleep. It was one of those moments where I lost it and wanted to yell at the top of my lungs “I hate you autism! If you didn’t have my son he could tell me with words that he just wants to go to bed!”

The truth of the matter is he’s 2. Autism or not if he was tired he would cry. Where was my motherly love tonight. What made me yell instead of taking him into my arms and telling him it was OK. And what can I do to avoid that in the future?

 I’m sorry little Collin. It’s ok. Sleep well and know that mommy loves you.