My Son is Autistic

Today was one of those days I live for.  A day when I remembered my son was autistic, but not as much as  most days. I always remember he has autism, it’s hard not too.  But today was a therapy day, a day when he’s just one of the kids.

We go to  Play Group at Kids Who Count twice a week.  I love going there. It’s one of those places I don’t have to explain anything about Collin and why he does the things he does.  The therapists  there are amazing and make us feel so loved, and for a lack of a better word “normal”.  Most days Collin loves it as well, everything but circle time. He’s not a big fan of sitting and doing things that aren’t his idea.  Today was water day, all about swimming, Collins favorite activity. He had such a big smile and laughed the whole time.

Tonight Ryan had the idea of getting sandwiches and taking the boys, Collin and his little brother Brady, to the park. Collins other favorite thing is  the park. Swinging is a big relaxer for him, it clams him and excites him all at the same time. Last week he started going down slides on his bum, he would go on his tummy until then.

What a joy he is. Days like today make me keep going. The good days and bad days are about even right now, but the good days are getting more and bad are getting less.

I couldn’t wait to be  a m0m. It’s what I’d dreamed about sense I was  a little girl. When I found out I was expecting my first child, Collin, I was over joyed. My Husband and I prepared as well as we could, but never expected the way Collin would change our lives. The first time I held him I knew I would do anything  for him; I just never imagined that “anything” would be pulling him from the world of Autism.

I always had a picture of what kind of mom I wanted to be. I wanted to be the mom who did it all; took the kids to dance, football, and baseball, played games, read books, did art projects…..and so on and so on.  Now I want to be something else, the mom who gets through the day with out tears. The mom who doesn’t wonder and worry about if her son will ever talk. Now I just want to be a mom who can c0pe, and help my child.

Collins development was “normal” until around 15 months. That’s when we started n0ticing he wasn’t acting like other kids his age. He wanted to be alone most of the time, wasn’t talking, or making sounds, wouldn’t look us in the eye, wanted to  collect things and carry them with him, and was in his own little world.

My husbands, Ryan, noticed these things before I did. I remember the night he told me he thought Collin might have Autism. I thought he was crazy. How could our little boy have such a thing. No. Not my child. I didn’t want it to be true and so it wasn’t. That’s all there was to it.

At 18 months we took him to his well check and found that he was behind in speech and  a few other things, but our doctor told us not to worry, some kids were just slow. And I tried not to worry. But over the next six month Collin got worse.  By two years he still wasn’t talking and I hoped with everything in me he just had  some sort of speech delay. But in my heart I knew. I knew I had lost my baby to Autism. I had lost him, but he wasn’t gone and I would be damned if I was going to let this Monster keep him.

That was almost 10 months ago and this is the story of 0ur fight, mine and Collins. Our every day battles with the Autism Monster. We fight him every day, some days we win, some days he wins. But each and every day we start the battle over, and every day we learn just a bit more about ourselves as well as our ‘enemy’. Collin is a different kid then he was when we started this battle. He  will look at us when we talk to him,  sign, laugh, play and so many other things.

As for me, I’m a bit slow in the learning process. I’ve come to realize I may never be the mom I once dreamed of being. But I will be the mom my son needs me to be. I will be the mom who tries, and fails, but will try again tomorrow. That’s what this blog is about. I want to share my life with you, so on days when you have tried, and failed you will know you are not alone. All of us fall. The trick is getting back up. I hope I can help at least one person do that, and by doing so help my self.

I heard a great quote once. “You are going to fall, and it’s going to be so exciting.” We will all fall, but lets fall together and remember the times we were there to catch oneanother.

 My name is Jack and My Son is Autistic. Welcome to my life.